Hetalia Lovers
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A Yaoi story Pt 2
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A Yaoi story Pt 2
America softly moans while England pulls Americas pants off.”You little devil!Your such a devil!”says England while America lays closer onto England.America quickly takes his pants off which is almost off because of England.England pulls America back but this time England is on top of America.”Alfred F. Jones,I never knew you would do a thing like this.Now…..what should I do first?”says England calmly rubbing Alfred’s cheek.”Oh…uhh…”says America slightly mowning while England’s rubbes America’s cock.the phone rings,and rings.America walks over naked to the phone while England lays in bed wrapped in a sheet.”Who the is this?And what do you want?”say America.To be continued………..;)
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6 Replies
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I’m so creepy!!! O___o
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I like where this is going.
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Ugh. This is a trainwreck of the English Language.
This does not qualify as a chapter, or, rather, a “part”. This is no more than 124 words. This would not be accepted as a complete chapter ANYWHERE good. The only places that would accept this as a fanfiction, are those that have no quality control at all.
First of all, your grammar could use work. The first “Americas” should be “America’s”, since it’s possessive.
There should be a space after all punctuation. I see no space between the first exclamation mark and “your”.
Speaking of “your”, that should be “you’re”. I’m not going to bother with the rest.Your writing is also horribly… ‘nondescript’. A reader should be able to easily visualize the scene taking place. As far as I know, they could be in some slum. All that we’re told is that they’re in America’s house. No description as to what his house looks like. They may be hovering over a deadly pit, for all I know.
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You don’t have to criticize my work!Everybody is jot perfect so just shut up!
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And you don’t have to immediately disregard constructive criticism.
I do appreciate that you at least acknowledge that your work isn’t perfect, but throwing a temper tantrum is not the proper response.
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PJ is only trying to help, It’s part of our jobs as writers to accept criticism, even if we don’t like to be told that we made mistake(s). We write for readers or ourselves, which ever it may be. It’s unfortunately a part of growing and progressing as a writer.
I have not read part one of this so I will make no comment on part two.
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